Light Bulb

Curled up on my bed, mid glorious Autumn day, immobilised by the vice-grip of rejection.

Pained. Trapped. Foetal. Powerless. Dark. Cannot See. Cannot Hear. Overwhelmed. Defeated. Crippled.

Fear spinning its web around every fibre of my being.
Unwanted, undesired – how did this happen to me? Unthinkable.
Solar plexus burning as if kicked.
Victim.

Replaying scant conversations and reeling, I bitterly recall the previous week when I had felt the opposite: empowered, confident, hearing and seeing the divine purpose of my life. How suddenly things change. Rejection seizes me and I immediately lose all vibrancy. Life is sucked out of me. I’ve lost sense of my true self. How do I regather from this? I can’t imagine ever feeling powerful again.

Lying there in the quiet comes the dawning of a thought – rejection is my deepest fear … what’s happening to me feels like rejection … my worst fear. My mind ticks over … do I have to succumb to fear?
Two different weeks. Two polar realities.
How do I get back to the superior one?

I reach for higher thoughts … and like a gift, I discover I can, for a moment, extricate myself from the subjective, violent reaction to rejection and place it outside of me, and sit it in front of me…

In the next moment I find I can cast my analytical eye over it, questioning it for once. Is this violent reaction who I am? My companion rejection is looking more objective now. And I feel the space widen … for higher thoughts … like steps to climb up out of this mess.
I wonder, what is this about? Is it about purpose? What is my purpose? Who am I truly? What does Di, walking in her purpose, truly look like?
Definitely NOT powerless, overwhelmed, defeated, immobilised!

Scrambling higher now I recapture the image of who I want to become – one who lives Loved. I reimagine my inner world as one who lives loved and I feel the swell of an expansive space of stillness, kindness, delight, love, peace, did I say stillness?  Knowing I am Divinely loved, but also, full of self-love, so that nothing that pokes me can trigger me. Instead of self-protecting I want to lean toward the offence and I want those poke holes to ooze out love! I want to be love! I love love! This image of myself shakes me awake and further distances me from the clutches of rejection.

Light bulb moment…clarity…this situation is an invitation to become. It’s my ticket to grow self-love as I learn to bully and conquer rejection! If I am feeling rejection from others I am probably rejecting myself. I want to eradicate this life long companion who hasn’t served me well. And I journal, “I will lean in to rejection. I will conquer it! Rejection is my enemy…and I am not afraid … I will become Love.”

My primitive self, the one who befriended rejection in the first place, screams “self-protect!” It is pleading with me: this relationship is unsafe, I won’t have my needs met, only continual rejection, continual pain, distress, best to run, best to get out now before I waste any more of my life on it. Why would I want to lean in to this rejection?

But now my mind is on who I am becoming, and if I don’t bully rejection can I ever be that? I feel the shift, and I realise this entire situation is a Gift! Each time I am punched by rejection I get the chance to rise up with fierce courage, push up against it, and with wild joy, remind it of who I am becoming. It will eventually shrink away, too afraid to come near me. And the space it vacates will fill with love.
Filling with gratitude I thank the Divine for this gift – on all levels! I’m determined to get everything out of this, as much as possible. And once again I feel powerful, unsure of next step, but energised. Now I love my life! I love who I am becoming. I love who the Divine is for me; so close, whispering truth to me, holding my hand, leading me through the dark.

This light bulb moment was five and a half years ago, and it’s been quite a journey but I pinch myself today, in wonder, that in the face of ‘rejection’ I am pain free, oozing love and … actually … I FEEL DELIGHT in showing mercy! I feel so alive, with plenty of life and peace and kindness to give away. Life looks different to what I was expecting, externally it doesn’t look like my prayers, I didn’t save my marriage but I BECAME more of the person I dream to be. I am bursting with gratitude. I LOVE becoming. I LOVE Love. Haha, I feel full!

I’m excited to share insights and inspiration from my ‘becoming’ journey, mistakes made, wisdom gained, courage and fierce determination. For life-giving and hope-rising words in your inbox feel free to subscribe!

Lotsa Love
Di

2 Comments

  1. Thanks for sharing these deep life changing words. I love that you reached for higher thoughts, as I am sure this has been a battle to always go there, but one worth it. The insight that you are becoming the best you is encouraging, that even in the hardest times as we lean into God we are embraced and changed by Him. We have a choice, although at the time seems impossible to make, but you made some great ones.

  2. Thank you Sonia, it’s so lovely to hear from you – I’m very encouraged by your words! Yes, it has been a battle, but my great aversion to soul-pain, and my addiction to true inner peace and joy, kept me leaning into the battle, saying yes to the tough stuff. And my intimacy with God – oh my, so priceless, I hold it close like a secret. It’s life changing, as you say. Bless you xx

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